TWN News:Issue 1
TWN News - August 4th, 2019 Catastrophes Terrorist attack in Latvia kills 20, injures 2 A total of 22 people were affected by a terrorist attack in Paris, Latvia. The gunman, a 7-year-old known as Johnny Johnny Johnson, reportedly did not fire a single bullet. Most of the victims had "simply been traumatized at the sight of a squirt gun", says the convict's lawyer, Jon Jonathan Johnsonbaugh. Johnson's trial will be on November 6th. Cinema Eat: Chapter Too trailer leaves audiences "mostly unfazed" "It's a real disappointment", says Andrew Musketeer, director of the sequel to the 2017 blockbuster. "I think we'll need to scrap the movie. Maybe we can reuse the clown in Mama 2." Ecology New research causes women to be declared "an endangered species" Indeed, most research has found, unanimously, that women are 78% more likely to die before the age of 5, due to how much they are ignored and mistreated by society. For example, most sources claim 0% of humans to have used time travel were women. This has caused a major outburst in the AAM (Against All Masculinity) community. "It's outrageous!" says Tumblr blogger Julia Katie Rowling. "We should have the same opportunities as men!" Opinions vary; for example, certain people argue that men never used time travel either. "I thought no one ever used time travel", says Generic Token Woman. "It's kinda ridiculous." Economy The stock market is "still going strong" despite the Crate Depression, experts say Economics experts such as Jesus Pàlmarez claim that "despite the depths of the Crate Depression putting our economy at an all-time low for several days, the stock market rose and is still going strong to this day. We should be expecting an increase in the stock market for the next few days, then perhaps a slight decrease again. It is very unlikely that we'll see yet another crash before 2024, unless that damn Adam Cheng shows up in another fucking movie again". The ILE foundation disagrees, saying that "we shouldn't give ourselves false hopes, the stock market is going to crash". Gaming Announcement of "Blocky Tale 2" causes major backlash "This is outrageous! How dare they make Blocky Tale 2 a mobile game!" says the gaming magazine Peek-a-Minigun. "This is the Apartheid all over again!" The developers, Red Level Studios, have refused to comment. Miscellaneous The United Kingdom is mysteriously freed of rain... for 2 seconds British people were able to enjoy two precious sunny, cloudless seconds before the weather ultimately returned to depressing rain. "It's a miracle!" says Theresa May. "I refuse to believe that God doesn't exist!" Queen Elizabeth II has also commented on the matter, saying "Checkmate, atheists". Politics Vladimir Putin officially recreates the USSR The unexpected return of the Soviet Union has certainly surprised most countries, most notably the United States. "I sure hope these bastards are aware we'll start spying on them again", says President Trump. The capital of the new USSR is Berlin, Russia. Anti-communist movements continue in Germany Over 2 million people were present at the riot in southeastern Germany fighting against the spread of communism. "I really don't know why we're doing it", says Norton Smith, founder of the PACG (Party Against Communist Germany). "We should really be doing it in Russia." Half of wind turbines should be black to avoid discrimination, says NAACP No comment. Science Scientists successfully teleport a cat for the first time Scientists from the University of Vatican have managed to teleport a cat over 10 meters using a particle accelerator. "This is a major breakthrough", says Albert Newton. "We'll need to work out the finer details, but if we manage to eliminate the... minor side effects such as the almost guaranteed risk of being turned inside-out, we should be able to get functional human teleporters by 2040."